Check out the spoken version of this blog post below:
I’ve always been a bad listener. It’s not that I’m not interested in others.
It’s that I don’t feel comfortable when I need to listen. For some strange reason, I feel 10 times more relaxed when I’m speaking instead of listening.
When speaking about this with others, not many people experience the same anxious sensations, but some actually do. I guess I’m not the only one who feels more anxious when they have to listen instead of speaking.
But why is listening so anxious for me?
Is it because I can’t control the situations when someone else is speaking?
Or is it because others might expect a smart answer or reaction from me?
But what do people expect from someone who listens in the first place?
It’s a genuine question I’m dealing with.
Secondly, I think I’m a bad listener because I tend to give a lot of unsolicited advice during my conversations with others. I listen to half a sentence and then BOOM I’m giving unsolicited advice on a topic.
No one has asked me to splurge my thoughts and advice.
I do, I feel inclined to do so. It’s how I’m wired.
Unfortunately, in my experience, most of the time people are not interested in advice. They want a listening ear.
So man, was I glad when I learned the following question.
Are you ready? Grab a pen and paper and write it down, it will help you to become a better listener for sure, I can even say that people will like you more for asking this question below. Because it shows that you care about what the other person has to say.
So here’s the question:
Do you want me to listen or do you want me to give advice?
It’s the first question you ask when someone strikes up a conversation with you about a personal or about important subject matter to them.
But to be honest, the subject matter is not important, ask the question at the beginning of the conversation. If you have any social antenna’s you will know which subject matters fit and which of them don’t fit.
Let me give you a specific situation so you get a sense of correct timing when to ask the question.
Let’s say your friend is calling to talk about a situation that happened between her and her boss. Listen to the first sentences and then ask her: Do you want me to listen or do you want me to give advice?
Your friend will be baffled by the question but trust me, it has happened to me many times. They will gaze at you a little bit strange, but they will take the question seriously. And some people might respond by saying: I want you to listen first and afterwards, I want you to give me advice.
Which is a fine answer. Now you know what’s expected from you and you can take your time to really listen or really think about good advice to give to your friend.
The question is powerful because you grant some authority to the other person by asking them what they expect from me. You basically tell them that you value what they a lot. And you’re telling them that you’re taking them seriously by asking the question. It’s a win-win question.
The question has singlehandedly helped me to instantly increase my listening skills from a C- to a B+.
So try it out yourself. The next time you’re starting a conversation with someone, ask them: Do you want me to give advice or do you want me to listen? It’s powerful and you’ll use it all the time.
And finally, remember, don’t abuse the question too much. People should not think you’re a robot. Be flexible and feel when the time is right.
Try it out with your partner first. That’s how I learned to wield the magical powers of the single best question to become a better listener.
For now, have a good one and good luck with becoming a better listener and a better version of yourself.
Over and out.
More Stuff You’ll Love:
My Notion Cockpit: A new Notion Template – A Life Wiki on steroids
The Five Year Rule – Start over every Five Years and become a master
7 Questions every aspiring entrepreneur should ask themselves